On•tol•og•ica! | änˈtäləjikə! | noun, verb 1. A film about Everything. 2. An epic and mind-bending trip through Reality at all levels. 3. An award-winning independent experimental feature film in which virtually every major area of human knowledge and experience is explored. Including, but not limited to: cosmology, quantum physics, evolutionary biology, spirituality, sexuality, neurology, philosophy, and cucumber-ology. All ideas and concepts are explored in an original, entertaining, and artistic way. You’d obviously have to be a complete idiot not to see this film. It even has giraffes in it. 4. An experimental cinematic creation that defies traditional categorization. Not to be confused with either a fictional narrative or a documentary film. 5. An experience unlike any experience that has ever been experienced. Not dissimilar to the act of loading the Universe into a shotgun and firing it into your brain. See also: Mindfuck. 6. The blissful realization of the True Nature of Reality, the Universe, and Everything. A peek behind the Cosmic Curtain to glimpse the Eternal Truth obscured by the Almost Infinite Bullshit. A bite from the Cosmic Cucumber. 7. The satisfaction of Hidden Desires for the Unknown Pleasures of Eternal Lust. An Existential Orgasm. No mind shall be left unblown. WARNING: this film contains gratuitous sex, uncivilized violence, perverse language, religious blasphemy, cosmic consciousness, truth, beauty, knowledge, reality, and cucumbers. Viewing this film may cause suicidal cravings and/or feelings of Eternal Cosmic Bliss in otherwise perfectly healthy people. Under no circumstances is it safe or advisable for this film to be viewed by anyone, ever.